WMO Distance Learning

We put out vibes. Whether they’re subtle or “in your face”. People can sniff us out and know more about our own motives than we do and some of us are professing to the world we’re not ready for online relationships. Here’s how:

1. You’re too busy rehashing a previous relationship.

Baggage City = Population 1.5. You’re still fully vested in someone else’s long gone yesterday.

It’s hard to get on the right path when you’re hell bent on not getting over it.

2. You’re too busy being disgustingly miserable.

Now we all know that a really stinky attitude and a deep-seated animosity towards the human race in general lays the groundwork for scores of people to chase us down and beg us for a relationship.

Nope. Not in this lifetime.

3. You’re worried about what your friends think.

My boys will think this chick isn’t hot enough. My girls will think this dude is a total loser. My….

You have to ask yourself, who’s going to be in this relationship? Me? Or my friends whose opinions really mean nothing at all?

4. You think people are expendable.

“I can run out and find another just as quickly and easily as I found this one.”

“I don’t need a man because they’re all the same- worthless, untrustworthy and (insert another disparaging remark here).”

Maybe you’ve set your sights too low or too high. A healthy medium is always good.

5. You’re too anxious and in a hurry.

“If I don’t get married by the time I hit 30, I may as well just funnel down the cyanide and get it over with.”

Slow down. Nothing says back the eff up quicker than, “I can’t go on another day without being in a relationship.”

6. You’re too picky.

I’ve mentioned being picky before and there is a such thing as being too picky. Especially when you’ve barely got enough wiggle room to be calling the shots.

You get no kudos or sympathy if you’re oblivious to making people run your obstacle course that is designed to make them fail against your overblown expectations.

7. You’re far from optimistic.

“Woe is me. I’m never going to find a man. I’m nothing in this world without a man and I’m nothing anyway, so I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles.”

Perhaps repeating this over and over again serves its purpose- to keep you from reaching your relationship goals. If you can’t see the finish line, why run the race?

8. You don’t trust anyone- including yourself.

“I was fucked over so many times, I can’t see straight. People are out to get me and as soon as I let my guard down, I’m going to get fucked over again.”

Being able to trust people is integral to being in a relationship - entrusting yourself to trust other people is non-negotiable.

9. You don’t know how to have fun.

Sulking, bitchy wallflower much? Or maybe you fly off the handle and shit bricks when someone tries to tell you to loosen up.

Being too serious and wound up tight is a real turnoff. Smile and laugh. It works wonders.

10. You’re making excuses until the cows come home.

He lives in a studio apartment. He has the makings of a beer gut. He’s got to get rid of that lisp and some back hair before I’ll even think of taking it to the next level.

If you’re making that many excuses, you’re not making the relationship a priority.

11. You think you’re not good enough.

“Who’s going to want me? I don’t have the perfect body. I’m not smart or pretty enough. I have zits and funny-shaped toes.”

You are good enough. You have to believe it before they will.

12. You’re not willing to be patient.

I must have this guy commit to me right now. I have to have a ring, the perfect wedding, and get knocked up with triplets. NOW.

It’s no mystery, this stuff takes time. Relax and be patient. Rome wasn’t built in a night.

13. You’re dead set on refusing to date certain people.

$70,000 a year career? Check. Drives a Porsche and has a timeshare in Cancun? Check. Didn’t buy me the engagement ring from Tiffany’s? EEEEH- wrong answer! You’re outta here, bucko.

Give me a break. People don’t have strategic blueprints. They all come in different packages and they all do things differently. Get over it.

14. You don’t want to be happy.

Some people plain get off on being unhappy and miserable. They find the darkest corner in the room, mosey on over, cry crocodile tears and eat crow because that’s all they’ve ever known.

If you don’t want to be happy, you always do your best to ensure happiness will never happen.

15. Partying, living at home with your parents and not having a job is more important.

These three things are pretty self-explanatory. It’s rather obvious you’re not ready to grow up. Moving on (and rightly so).

16. You don’t know where you see yourself in 5 years.

5 years? My goodness, I haven’t even thought about where I see myself in 5 days.

Relationships really do require an element of planning. A good indicator if someone is ready for a relationship is if the rest of their plans actually coincide with being able to thoughtfully plan a relationship.

17. You hate being alone.

Crying yourself to sleep every night and praying to the relationship gods to send someone down from the relationship heavens to save you from yourself brings about hopelessness.

Being alone or being in a relationship should be workable and okay for you- always.

18. You’re playing the victim.

“Every time I do something, I get kicked in the ass. I’m always the one who gets the short end of the stick. I don’t pick them, they pick me.”

BS. Own up to your end of the deal. It always takes two to screw things up.

19. You were burned. Bad.

You were cheated on. To your face. In front of everyone and they knew about it while you were the last to find out.

The pain is still raw and fresh- like skinned knees bubbling under hydrogen peroxide. You need another relationship right now like you need a broken leg.

20. You’re not ready to admit you’re not ready for a relationship.

“But I am ready.”

I’ve been doing everything they tell me I should be doing! Except being 100% honest that I’m not ready for a relationship because I’m guilty of doing one or more of the 24 other things on this list.

21. You don’t like the person you’re dating.

This is may be the only palatable and justifiable reason on this list. “I don’t want a relationship, with you.”

This is permissible and understandable. Just make sure you’re not leading the other person on.

22. You’re a relationship martyr.

“I’m going to run out and find the emotionally bankrupt guy, the married guy, the guy who doesn’t call or show up and the guy who told me he doesn’t want a relationship with me- and I’m going to love him with all my might!”

If you’re constantly chasing relationships that belong the dead zone, you don’t want a relationship.

23. You want more than what most people can give.

You want the fairytale. You want to be rescued and carried away from the burning flames of relationship hell. You want the perfect guy to write your name in the sky and give you gold bars etched with “I love you” next to your picture.

Hint: That sickening whimsical head in the clouds romance novel stuff doesn’t exist. Down-to-earth is the way to go.

24. You’re not in the right frame of mind.

If I can just be in a relationship, everything else in my life will fall effortlessly together. I’ll have everything I want and life will finally be amazing.

Actually it’s the other way around. Get in the right frame of mind first and that amazing relationship will find you in no time flat.

25. You don’t want someone who treats you right.

Being attracted to assholes serves its purpose- to keep you from having the relationship you want and deserve. I’ve said this time and time again, but I think I’m still just shooting myself in the foot.

If you want someone who doesn’t know how treat you right, you don’t want a relationship.

I did many of these things years ago but I stopped. Have you?